My Gasoline Rainbow

Believe when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain Helen Keller.  Spiralling a bit today but this quote has given me a positive perspective to cling on to with the launch of my blog on the horizon. I hope by being open about living with bipolar and raising awareness about mental illness if I can help at least one person it's all been worthwhile.

This morning I woke up with an urge to go shopping, it was an incredibly strong urge which was unusual for me. Now even though I'm a fashion blogger I am not a shopaholic by any means, so I knew this meant trouble. I've been feeling very positive and motivated lately, having changed my diet (cut out sugar - I've lost 6kg YAY), been exercising regularly and have been really focused on my new blog (which although is taking longer than I expected (good things come to those who wait right?!) and have been feeling incredibly creative. With the urge to spend a shit load of cash I knew something was up -  WARNING! WARNING! MAJOR TRIGGER ALERT!!!!! Now, to a normal* person, this may seem perfectly fine, but after dealing with the aftermath of letting these behaviours go on, I knew I had to watch out. This is the start of mania  or hypomania. And can be very dangerous for people with Bipolar Disorder I . If I had of gone shopping alone, I would have spent every ce...

Every morning I wake up, the first thing I do is check outside to see what the weather is like. For as long as I can remember I've done this, it's almost a little OCD. And I'm actually pretty good at predicting what the day will bring, it's a gift ;-) Since my diagnosis six years ago, I've learnt that research has proven that the weather can have a huge impact on people with Bipolar Disorder, especially seasonal changes which explains my recent bouts of headaches and more recently my emotional instability the last few days. The weather hasn't been particularly great of late, it's starting to get colder with bouts of rain. Full moons are another interesting time for me, they can bring on  hypomania  or mixed episodes (it's a full moon tonight). So combining seasonal changes, weather changes and a Full Moon and it's crazy times at my place at the moment. Even though I know these things, on top of the medication, doctor's appointments ...

Today is the first day this week that I haven't had a headache. Sadly, these can be common, although it hasn't happened in a while luckily, but when it does, there isn't much I can do. From the moment I woke up, if I was able to get some form of sleep, it's there, a dull throbbing that remained all day. No pain killer can numb it. Going for a walk seemed to help but the heat and sun made it worse. It's like a torture no-one deserves.  Any chance of doing chores or the things I love go out the window. Even thinking is difficult which when you continually have racing thoughts is like a nightmare. My jaw is tight from clenching my teeth which of course made it worse, it's a vicious circle.  Each morning I open my eyes and hope, please be gone, please be gone. Four days this went on.... It's been so frustrating and I've felt so helpless. Since my arrival back from NZ, I've felt a fresh focus, with the rebranding of my blog in process (yes, so...

I'm writing this blog post after finishing the 3 day carb detox on the Bodytrim system. See blog post  HERE  on my first attempt. Sadly, I only made it past the Carb Detox phase. My partner and I decided to give it another go, after I didn't do particularly well the first time. Weight loss, much like smoking is something you need to be ready for, both mentally and physically. And it usually takes a few attempts. I've been somewhat unstable recently, can't put it down to any one thing in particular, but I'll be talking about that in another post. My lithium intake has increased and in doing so, so has my weight (for more info you can read blog post HERE ), and I feel like shit. I haven't been able to look at myself naked in the mirror which of course has had an adverse affect on my mental state. So it was time to at least try and make a change, even though I've tried everything else in the past and it hadn't worked. But hey, I work so hard to b...

As it turned out this was to be my last shoot with Get it Magazine . My health had been deteriorating dramatically over the last few months and as much as I loved the shoots, the tight deadlines had been adding to my stress, so after talks with my loving friend (and Publisher) it was decided that I was to take a break to focus on my health. So I could take the time I needed to rest without the stresses of deadlines, without worrying about the impact my behaviour was having on the rest of the team and so I could focus on my first love, my blog. I am so blessed to have such an understanding friend in the Publisher at Get it Magazine. It certainly hasn't been like that at previous places I've contracted to. Anyway, on the day of the shoot, I was very agitated. I can't remember why, the nature of the beast I guess. As I'd never worked with the model before I didn't want to scare her on the off-chance that the agitation escalated (as we were working at a high end...

It was a beautiful Saturday, so I spent the day in and out of the pool relaxing and taking in the emotional week of my big "reveal". I'd been so stressed in the lead up to the decision to open up and talk about my Bipolar Disorder as I realised there were potentially going to be both positive and negative consequences as I had no idea how people would react.  People judge what they don't understand. There has been some silence from people who I thought were my friends, but I have the strength to know that I didn't do this for applause or for any other reason than to free myself from the chains of holding in a secret that had bound me for so long. I also wanted to educate and to help reduce the stigma. Making sure I relax and take it easy now is crucial, as I am at a phase that has potential to develop into manic behaviour that could potentially turn into an episode. I am so very aware of my moods, my sleep patterns, speech and thought processes. So ma...

The number one relationship in my life is with my medication. I sometimes struggle with the fact that I will be taking various meds for the rest of my life to manage my condition but that’s the choice I,  my family and my medical team  made in lieu of being hospitalized. At 9.30am and 9.30pm I take my daily meds of: AM 750mg Lithium – mood stabilizer 200mg Topamax – anticonvulsant PM 750mg Lithium 200mg Topamax 50mg Seroquel – antipsychotic OPTIONAL WHEN REQUIRED 5mg Diazepam - anxiety 10mg Temazepam – insomnia Plus other health aids like vitamins, contraception etc….   So on an average day I could be taking between 15-20 pills (depending on my emotional state). If I even miss one day or one dose of the fabulous concoction above, it could potentially trigger a manic episode. Like all medication there are side effects and because I’ve been taking them daily and some of these for 6 years they are by far fr...

I bought these dozen pink roses yesterday as a present for myself just before I posted my blog because I love me. You don't need a special day to have anyone tell you they love you or to give you flowers to make you feel special. It's all in you xx NB. I'm a bsolutely blown away by all the comments, messages, emails and calls of support after yesterday's blog post. So today on the day we celebrate love, I have never felt more loved and supported. And I thank you, for giving me the strength and courage to share with you my daily trials and tribulations whilst educating and reducing the stigma.

I haven't been well of late. I haven't been well at all, which is why my blog posts have been a bit sporadic and some of my content has been a bit all over the place. My creative outlet has always been the best form of healing but lately I haven't been able to focus, which has been incredibly frustrating for me. I'm in the process of making some changes which is very exciting so I hope to be able to announce some of them soon. My name is Missy, I'm 34 and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2008.... If you don't know much about it, here is a documentary that might shed some light xx

For years I've always been told how lucky I was to have such good skin. And for years I always blew the compliments off with a casual thank you. As I get older, I now cherish those compliments knowing how lucky I actually am.  Catching up with family, specifically the older generations I realise that it's all in the genes. My 85 year old grandfather doesn't look a day over 70, his younger sister who turned 70 this year looks barely 55 and my mum, who probably won't want me revealing her age haha is looking the best she has in years (in fact most people think she's lying when she reveals she has a 34 year old daughter!). I am blessed with the obviously magic youth genes from my mothers side but also the genes from my fathers side which carries the Native American heritage - which I believe are forever youthful. Most people think i'm in my mid-late 20's and i'm happy with that ;-) Everyone is different, so I thought I would share my daily ski...